So first thing we need to know about grief is that it can happen to anyone. The only difference is how a person deals with it. Some find that by embracing their grief, they are able to overcome it however, a number of people, well, downright deny it. Something else we should know about grief is that it isn't necessarily measured by the magnitude of the loss experienced. And this is where we go wrong... I don't know what or who gave people the notion that just because someone's loss was bigger than theirs, that their grief should be well, smaller and vice versa. Just like no one's fingerprint is the same, so is someone's loss.We experience loss differently, and especially in this world of pain and heartbreak; do we really need someone telling us how to grieve or how long we should take to grieve? Because I find that unknowingly people expect you to recover from a loss within their own mind's time limit. But that's not how it works. This brings me to the third thing we need to know...grief has no process. People think it does, but it doesn't. Sure there are steps...steps that someone grieving the loss of a loved one to death should go through. However, some people take one step at a time, others two, and still others take one step and don't move to the second step for a very long time. Does it matter? Does it make the person seem stuck? I don't think so. And why? Because grief has no rules.
When I first learned about my sister's death, even before I found out how she died, I didn't cry. I thought about the journey and I thanked God for the time I had with her. I know what you may be thinking, was I in denial? Could be. And if you follow the science of grief, it tells you that the first step to grief is denial. So, question is, how long did that last? Well I can tell you, not too long. I came to accept that she had died yes, however, that didn't mean I had accepted what had happened to her. That would take me a while to get over. Acceptance is the last stage of grief and this is the step people expect you to reach within a certain period of time. People confuse acceptance with being okay with something. I can accept the reality that my loved one is physically gone, but do I have to be alright it with it to move on with life? Answer is a resounding no. In telling my story in an earlier post, I explained that the grief I experienced felt numbing and it wasn't months, years later that I began to accept fully the extent of my loss. So, was I being irrational or was that just my way of grieving? Doesn't it make sense now when I say grief has no process?In grieving we accept that our loved one is never coming back...we cry and get sad, depressed even, angry sometimes but we finally make it to the last stage. Thing is, we all get on the bus, but reach our destinations at very different times. So this brings me to the last thing we should know about grief...it knows no time. And here is where we go so very wrong...why do we feel the need to tell someone that they should get over their loss? Is loss a common cold that comes and goes within a few days? And if you know you have been guilty of this, and probably you did it unintentionally... please know that while you're telling someone to get over their loss...just remember that you have added another burden to their grief and that is guilt. No one should feel guilty for grieving someone or something for a duration longer than is the norm. No one should feel guilty for having delayed reactions to grief. Basically, no one should tell anyone what they can or cannot do during their grief. Whether it takes someone a day to accept or years, the destination does not matter, just the journey.
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