"Stop" Beating Yourself Down!

Dear Friends,

I think I speak for most people when I say we have this major weakness of beating ourselves down for the things we do... I was speaking to a girlfriend of mine just the other day on this topic and I knew I had to talk about it here. As we were discussing this, I came to realise that we are not alone in this. So many of us after making mistakes instead of pulling ourselves up, we beat ourselves down. We think that by criticising ourselves harshly that the results will be better... And since all this negativity comes from past experiences, you're convinced that you're doing the right thing by being unkind to yourself. That cannot be further from the truth. They say we are our own harshest critics... but today I'd like to tell you, be your own best friend. And I'll show you exactly how. I've Googled tips on how to stop beating ourselves down and I've compiled a short list below. You will realise that some of the tips begin with the word, "Stop"!

1. Stop trying to be super human!

I remember shouting this out to my friend while having this conversation! Ha Ha... it seems weird but please remind yourself, (shout it out if you have to!) that you cannot do everything right! You're simply human...and human is to error.

2. Stop focusing on the one tiny thing you did wrong!

We do this a lot... actually if you're like me and you are a bit of a perfectionist then you can't bare anything going wrong or not according to plan. So, when you find yourself worrying about that small thing you did wrong, please, stop and apologise to yourself!

3. Be kind to yourself

A great tip I found is that you can ask yourself the question, "If am willing to forgive others for their flaws, why not myself?" or if that doesn't work, think about it this way, "Would I say something hateful to someone I love, then why am I doing it to myself?".

4. Self-compliment yourself

Acknowledge any small achievement you make and give yourself a pat on the back, literally if you have to! You can make a list of the things you did well either daily or weekly...trust me you will love the feeling! You can even read them out like self affirmations!

5. Stop comparing yourself to others

Sometimes just the act of comparing ourselves to others puts us down and it doesn't have to be this way. So if you find yourself comparing yourself to another person...remind yourself that there is always going to be someone better than you at something and you cannot be good at everything.

6. Practice patience with yourself

This may not be the easiest thing to do but it brings out good results. It's a commitment you make to try and be more good to yourself and remember that your life is a work in progress, you will get to your destination.

7. Mistakes can be opportunities

This is my favorite tip yet... take that mistake and turn it into an opportunity to get better! Our lives will always be full of mistakes, but we can always turn our disappointments to opportunities!

Lessons from Michelle McKinney Hammond's Series on Getting Past Disappointment and Finding Hope

Today's post is mostly for the ladies...so bear with me gentlemen. So, have any of you ladies ever heard of Michelle McKinney Hammond? Well, let me introduce you to her... she is the woman who has inspired today's blog post. She is also a best selling author of over 40 books, an inspirational speaker, singer and a television presenter. She runs her own ministry and did I mention she has

African roots! Anyway, you might wonder what more could I possibly say about a much accomplished person as her...right? Actually, there's lots.

I got to learn about Michelle when I recently took to listening to a six part series DVD that she had spoken to women about "How to Get Past Disappointment: Finding Hope". These 6 thirty minute sessions were enough to learn that Michelle is God's messenger to women in the modern day. In the DVDs, she used the story of the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4: 1-42) and brought it to life! I just loved it...I couldn't wait to share it with someone! So, here are a few lessons I got from the series. 

1. God allows us to come to the end of ourselves in distress to replace our hopes and desires with Himself.

-The woman at the well was broken and Jesus came to renew her. There was only one way to go from there, and it was to Him. 

2. God will never demand from you what He will not supply.

-Jesus told the woman to give her water but instead, He gave her His living water.

3. One life can change countless others.

-God used a Samaritan woman to proclaim the Messiah...He can use anyone.

4. Worship is pouring out your love to the fulfillment of joy and peace.

-Worship means: prayer, praise & worship, faith and obedience.

-Obedience is the highest form of worship.

-True worship reflects God.

-Prayer is a two way conversation with and not at God.

5. God cannot address what we won’t confess.

- The woman had to confess so that she could be freed from her burdens.

6. Whatever you’re looking for is in ‘I AM’.

- The woman had had five husbands and she still did not feel whole. Jesus is the only one who makes us whole.

7. Find something to celebrate that becomes your favorite benchmark and let it be your altar.

- The Samaritan woman found her altar in proclaiming what Jesus had done for her. Her disappointments became her testimony.

The overall lesson to be learnt from the story of the woman at the well is that God allows us to be disappointed by others to remind us that we are in need of Him. It always amazes me that John dedicated several verses to speak on the Samaritan woman. No doubt he felt her story would help bring lost souls to God, just like they did before. Maybe you can go back and read that chapter, maybe you can find something that will give you hope :)

PS: This series is based on her book, "How to Get Past Disappointment: Finding Hope"

Learn more about her here: http://www.michellehammond.com/

The Top 10 Countries (Outside Africa and Australia) That I'd Love To Visit And Why

I recently came across a blog where someone had outlined 23 countries anyone should visit in their lifetime and why. It striked my fancy that they chose 23, which happens to be my favourite number... so I decided to have a look. I was indeed happy that they had chosen the number 10 country to visit as Kenya! So it gave me something to think about. There is one particular country that I'd love to visit first...one most people who know me really well would be familiar with, and then there are others. I should mention actually, that I would love to tour my own country, other African countries and the country I live in now... however, the order in which I visit these African or non-African countries does not matter. So here goes my list (remember I live by lists ha ha ha!). You will soon realise I lean towards one particular continent!

1. India

Most people who really know me, know why I'd love to go to this country and in particular, the north of India; where lives the largest population of the Bengal tiger. This tiger which also happens to be the largest population of the tiger species, is near to my heart. As a conservationist, seeing this animal in its natural habitat will just do it for me. This is in fact, part of my bucket list!

2. Vietnam
I have come to love this country, more so because I made a promise to my dear friend, who is Vietnamese to visit it with her. I have heard too that it is one of the most beautiful places in the southeast of Asia and so, I'd love to see it for myself :)

3. The Netherlands
I fell in love with this country through a book and movie! The Fault In Our Stars was my ultimate favourite book to read and movie to watch in 2014. Seeing it through the eyes of Hazel, I became curious about the country. And especially since I would love to visit the Anne Frank House one day as part of my bucket list!

4. Ireland
The same applies to Ireland... I fell in love with it when I read the book PS, I Love You and watched the movie. I love the feel of ancient infrastructure combined with the green of nature, and seeing the small winding roads and old stone walls in the midst of so much green and flowers, I knew I had to see it one day.

5. Switzerland
In March 2013 I had the privilege of visiting this country while visiting family. However, I always knew I'd go back. Apart from visiting family again, there's just something special about it and I'd like to find out what it is...in spring or summer this time!

6. England
Apart from the fact that I absolutely love British mannerisms, accent and culture, I'd love to visit London for the fact that I have always been in love with the city. Also, among my bucket lists actually is to see the Stonehenge (remember I love ancient infrastructure)!

7. Greece
Am a fan of ancient history, so it wouldn't be a surprise that this country comes at number 7! What I'd love to see most is how the Greeks have managed to retain their 5th century infrastructure!

8. Italy
Apart from the vast ancient history that Rome has to offer, I would love to enjoy Italian cuisine... being a foodie and all :)


9. Canada
I have always been curious about this country. The fact that they don't like Americans yet they share its borders, it's flag is pretty unique and they speak French. But mostly I'd love to see its scenery especially the majestic Niagara Falls as yet another bucket list!

10. New Zealand
I first came in contact with New Zealanders in Malaysia when we attended an international business competition during my undergrad days. I remember going to their booth to learn more about their country and I got my face painted with a fern leaf in their black and white national colors. It was quite something. So, I thought that one day I'd go see the country for myself, plus I hear it's one of the most beautiful destinations in the world!

Lessons From A Blue Tang Fish Named Dory

Dear Dory Fans and anyone looking to be inspired,

Last week I began by talking about how Dory gave me the inspiration to go back to writing. And if you truly are a Dory fan, you were overjoyed when 13 years since Finding Nemo, Finding Dory was born. Truth is Finding Nemo wouldn't have had the impact it had if it weren't for Dory. Isn't it interesting that she, a fish suffering from short term memory loss could give us so much to think about. I couldn't help but notice all the wise words being thrown around the movie... I wished I had a pad and pen right there in the cinema... but thank God for the internet, I found some of those quotes. And so that's what I want to share about....some Dory wisdom. (PS: a little spoiler alert...so if you haven't watched Finding Dory, please do.)

1. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming:

We were introduced to this classic meme in Finding Nemo and in Finding Dory, we find out...her parents sing it too! So it was just a matter of time till it inspired everyone. It's the simplest life lesson really, when you encounter hardship, just like Dory, keep going. Basically, never give up!

2. When something is too hard, there is always another way:

These wise words were said by Charlie, Dory's Dad. Quite amazing actually, because it really sums up what our attitude to life should be. Life sometimes throws us curve balls and we feel like we just might suffocate, but truth is, there is always another way out, just breathe and figure it out!

3. What Would Dory Do?:

Marlin, as we all know is a worrier and represents many of us in life who worry worry worry... Dory represents the few who decide life is to be lived, fearless of what the future holds. So, Dory, in complete faith accomplishes the impossible only because she decides nothing is going to stop her. And really, the lesson here is simple, going through life takes a step in faith. So, ask yourself, like Marlin and Nemo did, what would Dory do....and do it!

4. You can do whatever you put your mind to:

These words were spoken by Jenny, Dory's mum to Dory when she followed the shells back home. An impossible task really, because just before she did, she was lost. But she did as Dory always does, she decided she was going to find her way home. I especially like how she made decisions... (I'll let you find out how she did this). This right here is my favorite meme... it reminds me that anything however impossible is possible to do if you want to do it.

5. The best things happen by chance:

And to complete my list are Dory's words... when you think about it really, almost everything that has ever happened to you by chance was pretty surreal. Like Dory, meeting Marlin was by chance and through that she was adopted into a family. So, look out for those chance experiences, they are the ones you'll remember for a lifetime.

Hope you've learnt something worth using in life. And as always, think, 'what would Dory do?'


Your Fellow Dory Fan,
Sharon.

Looking For My Desert Oasis

I know I have been out of range for a while..well, a lot has happened since when I was last here...I completed a 10,000 word thesis. Actually that's it...so after I did, I took a long deserved break. However, from time to time I have been frequenting this page and I've started to write something only to stop mid-sentence. Could it be though that I lacked the inspiration to write? Because I had a story, but I didn't know what to do with it. And for those writers who've been doing it long know it happens. They call it writer's block. But, I've learnt that sometimes you just need to step back into it. But you know what, I did get my inspiration. And it took an animation to get me back to writing. Actually, a character in the name of Dory.

It's hard not to love Dory in the movies 'Finding Nemo' and 'Finding Dory'. Not only because she is voiced by someone who is herself inspiring, but that her character makes people like me and Marlin (am a worrier just like him) feel like we're taking life too seriously. I particularly liked the reference they used, #whatwoulddorydo. And indeed, if you made decisions like Dory would do, you're assured of a worry-free life. Having a short-term memory loss was not a disability, in fact, she made friends easily that way. If you've not watched this animation, do yourself that favor because there's lots to learn from a blue tang fish named Dory.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable but small and sometimes I wonder, do I do it  because I like it or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer, I just want to send this cosmic question out to the void. So, good night dear void." These words were uttered by Meg Ryan's character in the movie "You've Got Mail", an 1998 classic film that I just love. In fact, I've watched it three times. I like to do that actually. The first time I watch a movie its out of excitement, but the second time, it's to notice the details. The third time, well...its just to enjoy it again. Anyway, these words make sense right? Do we live small lives because we aren't brave enough to live big ones? Do we feel inadequate or small? Maybe we feel we are just meant to be small. Nothing wrong with living simply, but there's something wrong when you're not living the life you're supposed to. This is called fear.

It's not until recently that I realised that I, like many of you live in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of getting out of your comfort zone. Fear of taking a step of faith. Actually, before we go into talking about fear, let me tell you what 'looking for my desert oasis' means. You know how you experience so many problems that you feel like you're in a desert? You feel like you just might succumb to the deadly heat, but a small voice inside keeps telling you, don't give up, just look for the oasis. And that's just enough to keep you going, looking, until you find it. This is something I went through a few weeks ago when I was trying so hard to complete my thesis. I spent so many nights just walking that desert, and when I had finished, I found my oasis. It was utter joy and relief to finally get there and quench from the desert heat. But that, like life is not where the story ended, I now begun to think about what grade I would get. Hence began a fresh walk in the desert of the unknown. Because I had in mind that if I did not get a pass in my thesis, I would succumb to that heat, and all the hard work would have been for nothing. So again, I went in search for that desert oasis...that moment when I would finally receive a passing grade. And you know, I did reach my oasis, and my goodness, it was far more refreshing than the first oasis.

Now here is the problem about looking for an oasis...you never stop to think about the One who put you in the desert in the first place. Well, you didn't just end up there did you? The One who put you in that desert, did that for a purpose. Did you ever stop to think why He put you in that situation? Wasn't is so that you could trust Him. Trust...does that word sound strange... wait a minute, isn't that the opposite of living in fear. So now you know where am heading with this. We walk through many deserts in our life looking for that oasis, but thing is, we never stop to look at the One who put us there. We never stop and ask Him to guide us through the journey, we just keep going, trying to do it by our own strength. Well, I found out that it doesn't quite work out that way. So, now I know what I would have done differently during my walk in the desert...and that is look to Him....trust Him to guide me through and leave my worries, because He who put me in the desert promises that He shall never leave me. So, now am no longer looking because my Oasis has been there the whole time. :)

Loss Begets Grief

Today I want to take us back to the topic on loss. I want to talk about something that most of us go through at some point in our lives when we experience loss. But first let me explain this truth...loss does not only mean the loss of a loved one to death, it can also mean the loss of someone dear from our lives like through separation or divorce. It can also be the loss of a friend, a pet or even a job.Whatever it is that you held dear and is taken away from you, you might find that you grieve for it because somehow you have to learn to live without it.

So first thing we need to know about grief is that it can happen to anyone. The only difference is how a person deals with it. Some find that by embracing their grief, they are able to overcome it however, a number of people, well, downright deny it. Something else we should know about grief is that it isn't necessarily measured by the magnitude of the loss experienced. And this is where we go wrong... I don't know what or who gave people the notion that just because someone's loss was bigger than theirs, that their grief should be well, smaller and vice versa. Just like no one's fingerprint is the same, so is someone's loss.

We experience loss differently, and especially in this world of pain and heartbreak; do we really need someone telling us how to grieve or how long we should take to grieve? Because I find that unknowingly people expect you to recover from a loss within their own mind's time limit. But that's not how it works. This brings me to the third thing we need to know...grief has no process. People think it does, but it doesn't. Sure there are steps...steps that someone grieving the loss of a loved one to death should go through. However, some people take one step at a time, others two, and still others take one step and don't move to the second step for a very long time. Does it matter? Does it make the person seem stuck? I don't think so. And why? Because grief has no rules.

When I first learned about my sister's death, even before I found out how she died, I didn't cry. I thought about the journey and I thanked God for the time I had with her. I know what you may be thinking, was I in denial? Could be. And if you follow the science of grief, it tells you that the first step to grief is denial. So, question is, how long did that last? Well I can tell you, not too long. I came to accept that she had died yes, however, that didn't mean I had accepted what had happened to her. That would take me a while to get over. Acceptance is the last stage of grief and this is the step people expect you to reach within a certain period of time. People confuse acceptance with being okay with something. I can accept the reality that my loved one is physically gone, but do I have to be alright it with it to move on with life? Answer is a resounding no. In telling my story in an earlier post, I explained that the grief I experienced felt numbing and it wasn't months, years later that I began to accept fully the extent of my loss. So, was I being irrational or was that just my way of grieving? Doesn't it make sense now when I say grief has no process?

In grieving we accept that our loved one is never coming back...we cry and get sad, depressed even, angry sometimes but we finally make it to the last stage. Thing is, we all get on the bus, but reach our destinations at very different times. So this brings me to the last thing we should know about grief...it knows no time. And here is where we go so very wrong...why do we feel the need to tell someone that they should get over their loss? Is loss a common cold that comes and goes within a few days? And if you know you have been guilty of this, and probably you did it unintentionally... please know that while you're telling someone to get over their loss...just remember that you have added another burden to their grief and that is guilt. No one should feel guilty for grieving someone or something for a duration longer than is the norm. No one should feel guilty for having delayed reactions to grief. Basically, no one should tell anyone what they can or cannot do during their grief. Whether it takes someone a day to accept or years, the destination does not matter, just the journey.

Hope Alone

Hope. What do we know about this word? What does it mean to you? Is it something you need? Does it help you get up everyday and trust that everything will be okay? Can we at all function without hope? Is it a belief, a trust or faith? Did you know that you can't have hope without faith? Does that surprise you? Well, enough with all the "21 questions", instead let me attempt to answer if but one, what is hope?

In Hebrews 1:11, faith is described as confidence for what we hope for and assurance of what we do not see. Isn't that interesting? Let me try to break this down a little. So by having confidence in things we hope for, we have faith. Faith is also described as an assurance of things we do not see. So, according to this verse, to have faith we must have hope. And so, what does hope look like? Let me try and explain it with everyday experiences. 

At night when we sleep, many of us don't think it but we anticipate that we will wake up to a new fresh day, right? We anticipate that when we get out of bed we will walk and function as normally. But, most times, we don't think of these actions as anything more than normal. However, what if one day we wake up and we can no longer use our bodies to function normally? Wouldn't this change our perspective about the "hope"? Wouldn't we now hope that we could one day be able to walk again? So wouldn't that need a much bigger ounce of hope than what we had before? So what changes? The quantity?

Let me bring this closer home. Something or rather someone we're all familiar with; Noah. We all know his story. We know that he trusted that when God said build an ark the rain will come, he did not doubt, just obeyed and had faith. What did he hope for? Was it that the rain would not come? Or did he hope that the rain would come but he and his family would be safe in the ark... Do we usually hope that bad things don't happen to us? Or like Noah, do we hope that when the bad things do happen, that God is with us? Don't we still hope that He has a plan for us? Isn't that what faith is?

One more story. About a woman this time. A woman who held on to hope despite the trials she went through. Her name was Hannah. She was barren, so she prayed to God to give her a son. It did not matter that she was being mocked and ridiculed, she still held on to the hope that one day she would have a child. So, because she possessed such hope, she made an oath to God that she would give up her son to the service of the Lord. And when the Lord granted her desire, she did not falter on her promise but did as she had said and gave him up for God's service. Can you imagine such faith?! Here she was giving up the one thing she had asked of the Lord day and night. Let's think of it within our own context. Would you be willing to give up to God the one thing you cherish more than anything? No. I didn't think so. So what's the difference? Do we not have enough faith? 

I say it's only one word, willingness. That's the difference between the faith of Abraham and that of Jesus disciples. Abraham did not know everything he needed to know about God to take that step and leave his home. He only did one thing, he willingly obeyed. And why? Because he had hope that God had a plan for him and his family. On the other hand, Jesus disciples had walked with him, seen miracles He did and still they did not believe He was who He said He was. They were not willing to just believe and have faith. Suppose that's what having faith is all about? The willingness to believe even when all evidence shows different. But what promise do we have? God made a promise that He is with us unto the ends of the earth, so we can have hope that even when things go south, God will give us enough grace to sustain us through it.